I started having, right around 1999-2000, I was going through a very difficult time in my personal life. My work life was fantastic but I got married and it was a bad marriage and it was, you know, a very short-lived marriage and the intensity of what I felt was shame or embarrassment associated with that was overwhelming to me. Then I managed, I ran a business in New York City where I grew up and 9-11 hit and we, you know, we lost clients of ours.

We had to deal with that and we had to deal with, you're from New York so you know what that time period was like. The, you know, just the intensity of not knowing what was coming next. Well, that's when panic attacks started happening for me and at the time I was in my 30s and my late 30s and I, you know, I'd never experienced anything like that before.

So I was fortunate enough where I met a therapist and the therapist helped me understand that if, you know, my body was producing this reaction then my body could help me deal with or, in a sense, stop the reaction. And that, to me, was the key that unlocked everything because if my body could produce this then my body could stop it. So all of a sudden I started, and he said to me, the therapist said to me, you know, I want you to, the next time you're home and you're just sitting around relaxing, I want you to try and bring on a panic attack yourself.

Have the thoughts that you have, try and bring it on and if you start to feel anxious you'll see that you can control it. And, you know, sure enough that's what really helped. Now it didn't get better overnight and I still feel overwhelmed from time to time but now I know how to my thoughts, I know how to cope with that.

Is that a kind of a universal thing? Can everyone deal with it by, you know, realizing that we have control over this? I love that story because it's really honest, it's really true that, you know, we are much more complex and delicate as people. I don't mean delicate that we don't have strength and we don't have confidence or self-esteem, but we have this nervous system that's finely tuned to everything. And if we overload our nervous system, whether it's something we do or the world overwhelms us, like 9-11 which caused a lot of trauma and grief, you know, that not only people who lost people but just walking around New York City or people watching it, universal grief and trauma, the nervous system is constantly reacting to that.

So the way, so I believe in body and mind. So yes, the mind can help the body by saying, is this really true? Is there anything here to be really panicky about? And the technique to use, and you may be familiar with it, is as you start to have the feeling of anxiety or panic, start looking around the room and noticing things. Oh, there's the television.

Oh, I can see the plant. Oh, there's the painting on the wall. To move your attention from being inward to outward and ground you in your surroundings.

It's a really good way to bring you back into the room, as they say. And then once that starts happening, you can also apply, there's so many breathing techniques, but I recommend one that's simply, you know, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth and using your fingers, your fingers on your hands to help physically relax you at the same time. It's a great, what's the word I want to use? It's kind of a, like calisthenics.

There's another word that, when you squeeze and release. I can't think of it right now. And by contracting the muscles and releasing them and breathing at the same time, your nervous system goes, oh, oh, okay.

We're starting to relax and the mind goes, oh, the nervous system's relaxing. I can now calm down those irrational thoughts. There's a partnership between body and mind.

You know, another thing that has been helpful for me, and I've taught it to clients who are professional speakers and they're about to go on stage and they seem overwhelmingly nervous for some reason, is to go to a place in your mind where you were extremely successful. And it doesn't have to be doing the thing that you are currently doing. In fact, we do this with our kids.

I have two younger children and my daughter has been, until the pandemic, a competitive dancer. My son, until the pandemic, was competitive in mixed martial arts, in two different martial arts disciplines, and they had success. And I said to each of them individually, look, you're going to take this success with you for the rest of your career.

And realize that, you know, my son was, you know, a top-ranked kid in the 11-year-old category in mixed martial arts worldwide. And I said, you always will have that with you. And when you are facing something that you find to be difficult, remember that you are a winner.

And you're not just a winner because you won in this category. It's because of the work you did and the effort leading up to that. And if you can do that in this one thing, you can do that in everything.

And any lack of success you have is only temporary because you are a winner and the success is going to come to you over the long term. So for me personally, I refer back to areas where I've had success when I'm really struggling with these thoughts. And I've coached other people.

I use the context of professional speaking because even professional speakers, when they're in a venue and it's bigger like you, when you did your TEDx talk, I'm sure there was some anxiety. You've spoken a million times before, but there's anxiety. You go back to the place where you had all that success and realize that's who you are.

And you take the stage as that person. Is that a technique that we can use from a self-esteem perspective throughout our careers? Absolutely. And you're right.

I've spoken many times, but the TEDx talk was particularly nerve wracking for me. And what I wanted to tap into was the pleasure of speaking. There's nervousness and then there's the pleasure of what we do.

So yes, remembering the pleasure. This again is maybe a slight tangent, but as we get ready to re-enter the world, there's a lot of articles about, have you lost your ability to communicate and connect? And I'm thinking, why are you scaring people about this? Of course we haven't, but there are some people who are feeling some anxiety. They've been very insular.

And so I say, remember and focus on the pleasure of those moments. Think of the pleasure of reconnecting to the deli person here in New York or the bus driver or your colleagues. That felt good.

Remember that and use that to build your self-esteem. And it also can be used when you are planning a goal for the future in business. If you are planning a goal and there's a bit of a timeline to it, there's not going to be immediate results and you're not getting immediate gratification.

I tell people to at least try to tap into the self-esteem of taking those actions, the pleasure of that, and the pleasure of how you're going to feel when you finish that book or get that 100 coaching client or finish that, get that college degree, the pleasure that's going to bring you. So self-respect and the discipline of doing things can have a pleasure to you. And so I really like that technique.

It's amazing how whenever I'm in person with people and I tell them, I have them tell me the story of one of the successes they're most proud of right before they're doing something else. Their physiology changes. They sit up straight.

They stand up straight. They're smiling. Their eyes are wide and they're excited.

And then you know, then you turn them loose and they take on the world. That's so true. That's the beauty of the body-mind including the body.

If you can tune in and see when something lights someone up as a coaching client, or when they glaze over, that's going to help you help them achieve what they want. And yes, people just get lit up inside their energy flow. Something lifts from them when they tap into that excitement and pleasure.

Great to see. And we, I, you know, that's the first thing I talk about with, I do a lot with lawyers. And the first thing I talk about with litigators, when I try to get them to go out and deliver talks to groups, or I need them to sit down and give me their best in, in, uh, in a written article, I say to them, okay, tell me about, tell me a story about when you were at your best in a courtroom in front of a judge or in front of a jury.

And they tell me the story and they get so animated and so excited. And then I say, all right now, and this is great when you're, when you're videoing somebody right now, let's do it again. And they, and immediately the energy level, the difference from before to after is huge.

So this practice of having a mental highlight reel and going through the mental highlight reel is so powerful. One of the things that I've found Carol, and tell me if this is, you know, again, this is like a reality check for me. We've kind of, society has kind of beaten out of us the, the ability to celebrate our success because we're supposed to be humble and we're not supposed to brag.

So we have to give permission. We have to give people permission to do that. And it's so important.

And I, you know, again, I go back to my kids. We reinforce this with the kids that you are this person, right? And you can choose to be the person who is, and I'm speaking to, you know, those of you who are listening and watching now, you can choose to be the person who was so successful, or you can choose to be the person who, you know, can't remember where they left their car keys. I mean, you know, choose to be the successful guy.

Yes. And it's, it's inspirational to other people. You know, people want, if they see you do it, if you say, yeah, I achieved this, someone else is going to think, oh, I can do that too.

And, and a great way, a great technique is sometimes when people give you a compliment, the standard response is thank you. And I say, in order to connect you to the achievement, say something else. So someone says, hey, Dave, congratulations on your podcast.

You might say something, thanks so much. I really enjoy offering information to my listeners. You make a statement that allows you to connect to the pleasure of what you do.

And then that can open up even more of a conversation. Thank you is great, but it shuts it down. And I just think that the more we connect to our achievement, the more we put that energy out in the world, the more we inspire people.

We just do. And we have to believe that when we share a compliment, accomplishment, we're coming from a good place. We're coming from a really good place.

It's not to dominate someone or to, you know, be super competitive. It's just saying, I did it and so can you. And I really enjoyed that achievement and so can you.

So give us some exercises or give us some things we can do to reinforce these positive experiences we've had. How can we build on our self-esteem? Because I found that over the years, especially salespeople, entrepreneurs and professionals who own their own practices, they, they rise to the level of their own acceptance in their mind. So if you're a $50,000 person, you will sell $50,000 worth of stuff, right? If you believe you're a million dollar person, you'll sell a million dollars worth of stuff.

How can we condition ourselves to not put that cap on, on what we're going to do to, you know, to reinforce our self-esteem? What can we do to, to, to make sure that we stay on track? It's, it's a really key thing. One of my, my main beliefs is money and self-esteem go hand in hand. They are interlocked, that how you feel about money, finance, abundance is, is how it's going to reflect in your life.

So two areas. One is who are you hanging out with? Who are you spending time with? Who's feeding you? I'm not just talking professionally, but who do you reach out to when you need support or information or inspiration? Because if I use this example, if you are looking for emotional support and you reach out to your business strategist friend, you're not going to get the support you need. So I always talk to people about who's on your team and what category do they fall into? Strategist, emotional support, cheerleader.

Someone just like, you can do it. You have to recognize within yourself what you need. And the other two things I, I really suggest, and this comes out of my confidence work is doing confidence building actions and confidence boosting action.

Confidence building actions are stretches. Gee, I want to become a better speaker. What do I need to do that? Do I need to hire a coach? Maybe the first action is to ask someone to find me a coach or join Toastmasters and start speaking.

I want to write that book. Maybe I need to see a class or a course. Even the researching of it is what I call an esteemable act that comes out of 12-step programs.

All these esteemable acts, small actions that you take that stretch you and show you that you're taking the steps that you need to become that person that you want to. So that's a confidence builder. Think of it as a stretch.

The confidence booster has to do with receiving, buying that new shirt that makes you feel really great, getting that manicure, getting that massage, buying that particular meal that you like. Things that feed your soul, that make you feel good, that aren't necessarily about you having to do. You always have to replenish the well.

So confidence build, take the action, confidence boost, receive to fill the well so you have the energy then to do more things.