Your blind spots are
killing your business.

Join us to find out why on
this edition of the Inside BS

Show. Hey, now I'm Nicki G.

This is the Inside BS Show. Here
with me this morning is Dave Lorenzo,

my partner, godfather of
Growth. How are you Dave?

Hey Nicki. G I'm doing great in
my operator number one headset.

That's right, folks.

Nicola is absolutely killing
me today because I'm testing

out a new mic with a well with
headphones that we're going to

use when we do live events. So I look
like a European soccer announcer,

and so if you hear Nicola just laugh
hysterically at any given point,

it's because I look like a total
knucklehead with this thing on him.

I'm an air traffic controller
directing planes coming into Miami

International Airport. So Nicola,

you said blind spots are killing
our business. What does that mean?

That is right.

So let me begin by telling a
story that happened actually just

this week.

So someone very close to me has documented

disabilities and associated
with those disabilities.

This person has a handicap parking pass
in the form of the hangar that goes on

your car.

So this person was going about their
normal daily routine and went to a

workout facility to get a workout
in to help them improve some of

those issues that they
deal with as part of that.

So they park in a parking space that
is a handicapped space and they put the

hanger up in the car and moments
later before the person even has the

opportunity to step out of the car with
their belongings and start walking to

the front of the facility,

someone comes running across the parking
lot to make sure that they catch them

while they're still standing outside of
their car that just parked in the space.

That person proceeds to ask the person,

I know why they didn't
park in the other spaces

gesturing towards the section of the
parking lot that has non handicap

spaces.

Person on the receiving end of
this responds by asking why that

person thinks they would have the right
to question their medical history.

Now the person instead of
quietly saying, I'm sorry,

and walking away goes in again
and asks another personal question

about the situation. This time,

what they receive is something
that they were frankly entitled to,

but they received the feedback
that, Hey, by the way,

I'm a disabled veteran.

Now the person is profusely apologizing
after hearing that they have

insulted someone who served our country
and has disabilities associated with

their service. Now they're
so sorry it happened.

Really want to just rewind
and take all of that back.

So there's a lot to take away from this.
And I share this personal

story because first of
all, I'm hearing it.

I was horrified that this happened and
this happened to someone that I care

a lot about and it happened unfortunately

by someone who it turns out I
know and I serve in a professional

volunteer capacity with very closely.

I am again shocked that it came
from the person that I know and

I've interacted with over the years.
And I thought I knew very well.

So I found myself in a position
having to figure out how to navigate

this situation.

When you provide that
type of commentary to

someone in that circumstance,

it is obvious that
you've missed something,

that you have a major blind spot.

The blind spot of the person who
provided this commentary is obvious

here,

which is they perceive disabilities
to only be that which they can see

visually. That is a major issue,

that's a major issue for that person
on a personal level because now they've

offended not only the person
who they said that to,

but now I have to figure out
how to navigate that situation.

But it's also a problem for that person
who is in a professional capacity,

who likely has other blind spots
in their professional role.

So let me pause here
and I'm going to turn it

over to you, Dave, because
when this happened,

I reached out to you and we
had a conversation about it.

How do we move on from
this type of situation?

And you've got to have people in your
life that you can have these conversations

with who are going to help you navigate
the situation in an appropriate way.

Way. Wow.

So first I want to tell you

how I guess flattered I am
that you reached out to me
in the first place because

it showed me the strength
of our relationship.

And the second thing I
want to say is that I

admire and appreciate your
vulnerability in telling this story

because I know how hard
it is for you to do this.

So with that being said, I think,

look,

it's hard for people like you and me to
understand how somebody would do this

because this is the way that you and I
are wired is that this would be the last

thing that we would do.
I mean, I can't imagine,

and you and I laughed, we had a really
good laugh the next day about this.

The first day that you told
me, we didn't laugh about it,

but the next day we had a great laugh
about can you imagine it's such a Larry

David thing, for somebody to come running
up to someone in a parking lot going,

Hey, you like the handicap spot, huh?
I see that. Yeah,

what's going on with you? Why would you
want to park there? Who would do that?

So what we did,

what I did when we first
had this conversation that
when you first called me,

I tried my best to just
listen and not say anything.

And for the first thing I tried to do
was to really understand the feeling

behind the words. And I understood,

and I understand now today
even more because I could see,

I could feel the emotion that you felt
because I know how much you care about

the person who was on the
receiving end of this.

So that was the first thing that I tried
to do as somebody that you were sharing

this with.

But the thing I tried to explore with
you first after I made sure that you got

your emotion,

that you expressed your emotion to
me in a way that made you feel like,

I hope I made you feel
like you were heard,

and I was trying to understand
what you were feeling after that

was what I tried to do with you is what
I tried to do with myself. And it's so

hard when this happened,

is to think about the lunatic who came
running up to the person that you care

about, that lunatic. What could that
person's mindset be? And I said to you,

how would your feeling about this whole
thing change if you found out that this

person had a handicapped child and they
struggled to get their handicapped child

in and out of the car because other
people were constantly taking the handicap

parking spots? Would that change
the way you felt about this?

And your response was, well, a
little right, still inappropriate,

still no excuse for what this person did,

but it reframes the way we think about

it. So for me, because I am,

and this is like you and I,

there are a handful of places
where you and I are different,

and I think this is one of the places
where you and I are different in that

emotion is always my first reaction,

and I don't feel like you feel
things any less than I do,

but you're more logical than I am.
Your first reaction is not with emotion.

Your first reaction is
logical. So for me, what I do,

if this had happened to somebody
I cared about and I was there,

one of us would've been going
to the hospital because I
would've been absolutely

in this person's face saying things that
are completely inappropriate to be said

in mixed company,

and it would've been a big problem and
the person probably would've reacted

violently to the verbal barrage
they would've received from me.

What I try to tell myself in
these circumstances is, okay,

let me think about what could have
led this person to this completely

irrational reaction. And the only thing
that I could think of is, hey, listen,

if this kid had a handicap,

if this guy had a handicap
child who he had struggled to

put in and out of a car and he could
never get a handicap spot because

people who seem able-bodied
were taking handicapped parking

spots,

maybe he would have a visceral
reaction to it. It wouldn't

make it right, but it would
put things in context.

So when we were having the discussion
about this that that was kind of the

context. I didn't excuse the behavior,

but I tried to reframe
it from a contextual

place where you could understand
where this person was coming from.

And my hope was in doing this,

and I want to hear what you have to say
about this. My hope was in doing this,

you can still work with this person.
I don't think you're going to ever,

and I don't think you should
ever excuse this guy's behavior,

but my hope is that if
we recontextualize this,

whether it's true or not,

it'll allow you to at least face this
person without wanting to spit in his face

every time you see him.
Does that make sense?

It does make sense.

And I'm really glad that that
was what you posed to me in

response was what if
this was a circumstance,

whether it was a child or was a parent,
and it made me think, you know what?

That makes a lot more sense that there
would be some underlying issue that

caused that person to approach the person
I know in the first place and knowing

that we know one another. So I think
that took some of the sting away.

When you hear this, when
it's a complete stranger,

I think that I might have
a reaction like you, Dave,

if I was there and I saw it,

which is to immediately get emotional
and allow that emotion to just

be taken out, certainly

in the way that I would be speaking,
not necessarily physically.

So I think that helped to process what
had happened and thinking about it a

different way.
So sitting back now,

and I think that there's two things
that I really want to focus on.

One is when something like that happens,

while it impacts the two
people in the situation,

we saw that the person felt remorse
for what had happened and realized that

there was a major mistake there.

The person on the other end of that also
has to not only defend themselves in

the situation,

but think about the position you've put
them in because they're now thinking

about their own disabilities.

They're now thinking about something that
they weren't thinking about that day.

And oftentimes you're going to make
them feel worse about themselves when

something like this happens.

So there was a lot that happened
because of this person's blind spot.

Now this we see, not
just in a personal level,

this is obviously a very personal story,

but this happens in business and that's
why I want us to talk about the business

aspect of this.
If you don't even know that you have these

major blind spots,

you are absolutely causing
this type of reaction to happen

as you are going about your
work. You may know sometimes,

but you may not know why
you're getting the reaction,

but you don't know why because it's a
blind spot for you or you have no idea and

clients are leaving you or people
you work with are leaving you.

So we should focus on how can we help
people work through identifying what

their blind spots are so that it
stops hurting their relationships?

One way for me is making sure
that you work with people,

you surround yourself with people
that can help you identify those.

There has to be someone in this person's
life close to them that knows this is

an issue that has seen this before.

This doesn't just happen once
when you have a blind spot.

It's something that is reoccurring and
you've got to have people you trust

around you to recognize it so that they
can approach you in a way where you're

going to be open to the
conversation about changing it.

So it's funny you say this, I
had somebody in a session I did,

and we were talking about how to develop
relationships and get the best out of

people.

I make them go through selecting an
avatar at the beginning of the session and

I'm teaching them about leadership
influence and they're going to try and

influence a certain person
to behave differently.

And the avatar that this woman selected
was a bookkeeper who works for her,

who has a terrible attitude and
doesn't respect her. And I said, okay,

so you want to influence this person.
How does this behavior manifest itself?

And she said, well,

when I try to get her to
do things differently that
are more efficient and more

effective,

she responds with disrespectful language,

bordering unprofessional,

and I'm really having a hard
time getting through to her.

And I said, tell me about the
interpersonal dynamic. She said, well,

the person's older than me and
she gave me the family makeup of

the person and everything. And I said
to her, alright, what have you tried?

And she told me that she's tried to sit
down and coach and counsel her and have

conversations. And I said, tell me how
those conversations go. And she said,

I say to her, you're behaving this
way. You need to behave this way.

Please do that. And I said, okay.

So we go through the entire program and
my at the centerpiece of my program is

empathy.

So we're getting toward the end of the
program and the person who's the leader

of the group says to me, I need
you to go back to this person.

He mentions her by name. He said,

would you walk her through her case
study step-by-step with the core values

that you've talked about today in
terms of demonstrating them to build a

relationship?
He said,

because I want to make sure that she
has a way to deal with this person.

This is a real tough issue
she's struggling with.

So we come back from a break and I
said, okay, so-and-so I said her name.

I said, let's walk through how
this is going to work for you.

And we get to the part
about empathy. And I said,

what do you think you could do different
leveraging empathy to rectify the

situation? And she looks at me and I said,

what if there's something in
this woman's life that has

caused her to act with

transference or act with
projection and project

someone's bad behavior onto you?

And that's what's causing
them to act this way. I said,

suppose this woman at a previous
job had someone who's younger than

her or who had the same
personality type as you do,

who is younger than her backs,

stab her and get a promotion that she
felt she should have gotten. And now

you're her boss and she's
projecting that behavior onto you.

I said,

or what if she has a personal
life that is so horrible and

so miserable and she's abused
by someone to the point where

she feels like she has no control in
her personal life and the only place she

feels like she can exert control
is by pushing back on you at work?

How would that make you change
your approach? And she said to me,

oh my God. She said, if that
were the case, she said,

I have friends who are abused.
She said, if that were the case,

I would sit down and ask her why she's
behaving this way and what I could

do to change my approach
so that we could both

get what we were looking for out of
work. I said, really? I said, okay.

So just imagine that that's what it is.
Just put that into place and

adjust your behavior
accordingly. And she said, well,

I don't know if I'd feel comfortable
doing that at this point. She's like,

I feel like I should have done that
months ago. I said, okay, well,

here's what you can do. I said,

you can ask her to put
herself in your place. I said,

go to her and say, here's the
outcome we need to get to.

What do you recommend we
do to get to that outcome?

So I need this amount of work done.

Her biggest thing is this person's taking
eight hours to do four hours worth of

work, and the controller was in this
role before she became the controller,

and she's telling her, I used
to do this job in four hours.

I can't believe you can't get
it done in four hours. I said,

what if you went to her and you said,

we need to get this job done in a
maximum of six hours. How can we get

there?

What can I do to remove
barriers to help you get there?

How do you recommend we get to
doing this job in six hours?

I said, if you reframe the discussion
and say, put yourself in my spot,

my boss is coming to me
for more productivity.

The C F O is coming to
me for more productivity,

and I need you to get four
hours worth of work done

in addition to what
you're currently doing.

So you got to get the current
work you have done in six hours

at a maximum. What can we
do together to get there?

If you take that approach and you
reframe the discussion and say,

what's going on and how can
I help make this happen?

Here's the thing that you put yourself
on the same side of the table.

How can you and I together make this
happen? It makes things different when it

comes to a blind spot at work. Now, your
situation that you open the show with,

you're certainly not going to sit down
and coach and counsel guy who approached

the person you care
about in the parking lot.

But what you can do is you can get
him to put himself in the position

of the other person and say, what
if a person is really disabled?

And you've just brought back all
kinds of memories of how their

disability came to be by asking them why
they were parking in that parking spot,

how would you feel? And that will correct
the person's behavior moving forward.

Hopefully they will never do
that again. So role reversal,

turning the tables is a good way
to get people to see the opposite

perspective and hopefully, hopefully
correct the behavior moving forward.

But I would start with saying,
Hey, how do we get to this place?

Tell me what's going on that made you
behave this way so that you can first show

that you're empathetic
and that you understand.

Yeah, I think that is a
great suggestion, Dave,

especially if you're in a workplace.

You have to continue working with person
who you're having that issue with and

helping when you understand
what is underlying

that behavior that's going to allow
you to break through. You've got to,

and we've talked about empathy before,

you have got to really get to know people,

what's going on in their lives so
that you can be empathetic so that you

can help them get through that,

and you get through that so you can be
in a better place simply reacting to it,

which is another choice,

not a good choice that you could take to
approach the circumstances is going to

lead to a lot worse of the situation
that could entirely blow up.

You're there, you're having to work
with someone. You're saying, well,

you're just not getting this done.
I know this can be done in four hours.

That's going to lead to a very
hostile relationship between you.

And this may be someone who just has an
issue going on personally that you don't

know about that can be rectified,

and that person can be a great
and longstanding employee.

This is why it matters,

getting to know the people that you
work with and helping work through those

circumstances. And if you can't work
through it after getting to know them,

then it's not a good
fit for the long term.

But it's the ability to recognize that
is what we're talking about here today.

This is a way that you can recognize
that and get to the bottom of it so that

you can make that change so you don't
have that situation reoccurring,

and so that you're not continuing to
face a blind spot that you may be having.

My mentor, Alan Weiss has a saying
that stays with me all the time,

and he says, in a not so
kind and nurturing way,

stop assuming that people are
damaged. He said, very few people,

less than 5% of people
are actually damaged.

Their behavior is caused by something.

If you understand what's causing their
behavior, you don't have to accept it.

But if you understand what's
causing their behavior,

it puts the whole situation in context.

So as much as we'd like to assume that
the lunatic that ran up to the person

that you care about in the parking
lot was some sort of a mental patient,

he's not because you
work with this person,

he has no mental defect whatsoever.
There's got to be something.

There's got to be something
in his life that caused that.

And in that session that I ran this week,

the woman wouldn't have
hired this bookkeeper if she
could detect that there was

some sort of mental
defect or damage with her.

So there's something that's
causing the behavior,

get to the root cause of
the behavior, address it,

and then if the behavior doesn't improve,

you need to take remedial steps after
that. Remove the person from your life,

fire the person from work,
do whatever you've got to do.

So in terms of takeaways
from today's show, Nicki G,

what should people take away from
the show if they recognize a blind

spot in another person, who they work
with, who they want to coach out of it?

How should we proceed?

First, do not immediately
react emotionally.

I know that is hard.
Just take a step back,

have a conversation with someone you
trust. Think about what happened,

realize that there may be something else
there that you need to think about and

explore. So that's number one for me.

And number two is when
you identify what that is,

take measured steps to get to the
underlying issue so that you can better

understand it, so you
can better address it.

I like it. Very good. This is the
Inside BS show. My name is Dave Lorenzo.

I'm the godfather of growth, and she is.

Nicki G.

So we're here every day. You'll
notice this is an audio show.

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Here's hoping you make a great living
and live a great life. See you tomorrow.